My first memory of you was the Saturday, the 17th of November, 2007, when I held the pen with an additional blue line -full of smiles, your dad full of tears. I was appearing for my last written exam ever in a day’s time, but cannot gather myself to sit to prepare. It was mathematics and I gave a damn care to revise through.
My first visit to the doctor was on the 24th of December, 2007. Pretty pleased to know all was well. I first saw you, with my naked eyes on screen as a tiny peanut, floating within me, as lovely as it could be. The complete day was a dream, I had narrated your tiny being to everyone I met that day, called up thaatha and saw how happy he felt…
Everyday, I had carried you across the overhead bridge connecting the home and the campus, the yunnan garden, and walked up atleast 20 minutes, all the while, you pleasurely resting within, with a surpassing peace that only comes with complete trust-I knew you trusted me enough, you never have to say that!! The patient and unprotesting you who tolerated the overnight work I did without feeding you, as I had an important deadline coming up. You were strong, strong enough to withstand all that.
The 14th of January, 2008, I saw you growing up, from the tiny peanut I had seen-you had tiny little feet and buds of fingers. You were just flawless, just flawlessly peaceful!! I brimmed with pride holding that black photograph of yours, to the doctor and the nurse who saw me every time.
She called me up on Jan the 28th, for an urgent meet with her boss, not disclosing details. It rang a bell, but was hopeful otherwise. Come Jan 29th, we were just watching, submerged in the little kids playing around us. When it was our turn, when the doc began, I heard nothing beyond the word, “Unfortunately…”. That moment I hated her for that, and it has been growing regularly, my hatred for people.
Worst of all, the ball was in our court, and we had to make a decision, the toughest decision ever. Not that it was tougher as it involved me or us, but it involved you, something you have to fight with every single day of your life!! Now we had two choices – either it had to be having to see you struggle through life, or it had to be living in the absence of your physical proximity. And we chose the second you – our love for you surpassed our love for parenthood.
The four months you stayed back were bliss, and I was already beginning to sense your heartbeat, only when I laid on my tummy. I remember the last bath I had with you, tears wiped away by the shower. It is already 2yrs-2yrs,2months and 9days to be precise, since we parted. I was not privileged to see and touch the physical you, for some reason your dad chose otherwise. All these years, not a single day has passed on without my thinking of you. NOT A SINGLE DAY!! Somehow, to me, you live in everything around me- I love my workplace the most, as it was where you lived most.
These two years are the most appalling years of life- we have tried to fill the silence and empty space around with loud quarrels, shifted home twice, worked like a maniac, avoided gatherings – nothing has helped. And we were not prepared to go forth with life until November 2009, when we finally realized there was no other option. You completely disproved the notion of me- I thought I was strong and enduring, resilient and would get along well with life-it was not to be, and my confidence is completely shattered. Worst, the recently acquired loss in memory of words and the stammering.
Two years hence, I am still the unforgiving me – cannot forgive me to eternity, for shattering your hopes, your dreams, most of all, your strong trust in me. Whoelse did you know, but me? Who else did you hear, but me? In my conscious knowledge, none has trusted me as you did, neither did I.
In a way, you taught me what unfailing trust is. And you, are the strongest man I have ever seen. How else could you have endured 4 longs days with your frail body and tender heart?? I am still in the dark about what you went through those last moments?
Today, my unforgiving self overpowers the less confident me. I wish I had trusted in God, atleast as much as you trusted me. I wish I hadn’t trusted doctors, science and research as much. And I wish I did not have to choose between the two as much. No amount of regret, no amount of sorry, no amount of tears can bring back your lost dreams, your lost hope and your lost life. That’s how helpless life could be!! And please don’t forgive me, NO! Nothing could be as severe as that! I don’t deserve it.
Anyway, thank you for teaching me what it means to carry and deliver a healthy child, how every human is precious. Thank you for making me feel what it means to endure a parting as yours. Thank you for showing me how frail this life on earth is. Thank you for the revelation how one can be so near, yet so unreachable, and all the technologies fail in a moment of desperation. Thank you for teaching me how vulnerable I am, the strong-willed, the determined me. Thank you for teaching me how unfailingly one could trust. Thank you for teaching me how unreliable research/science could be (for now, the docs could not identify the severity of penetration). And, a big thank you for teaching me that academic education isn’t EVERYTHING!! Thank you for teaching me love is alone
the core. Thank you for teaching me what 3 decades of life did not offer. Thank you for teaching me, MTP or abortion, however convincing it might sound at the moment, the aftermaths of it are devastating. Now, I realize as much as I don’t have the power to create, I don’t have the right to destroy, even if I had the power. You are unique by your own self, and God also ha(s)d plans in store for you.
I shall keep loving you, till eternity, for that’s what I can do now!!
Will you give me an opportunity to see and touch you ONLY once?? Please…..