Does music make you cry?

I can’t bear music now, but although it made me cry I could watch this song

A friend shared this video, with this message,

I’ll See You Again is the 13th track in Westlife’s latest album (Where We Are 2009) the song is really emotional and very powerful… talks about how a person feels after a death of a loved one… made me cry the first time i heard it 😥

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“The pain will never go, but you will smile again.”

Since I want to remember my daughter’s life and not her death, I try not to think about the time she was in the ICU. I try and remind myself that the last nineteen and half years were the best years of our lives and such precious memories should make us smile not cry. I also fear that if remembering her causes pain, one day we may not want to remember her.

And then a relationship so beautiful should give us the strength to face what we can’t change.

Last Tuesday, a dear, elderly relative was in the ICU and I felt I would atleast be able to go to the hospital, if not visit him inside the ICU. Just then I got a call from a blogging friend – (for the first time ever) Sangeeta Khanna. She said she knew the moment she heard my voice that I was feeling positive. She sounded so glad, her relief and the fact that she cared  was overwhelming and strengthening.  She said, “I am so happy you are going now, it’s better to confront our fears. You will be fine. Go to the ICU too. You will be fine. I know.”

Reminded me of another friends who had said ‘Just pick it up IHM!”

I did not go inside the ICU but I know I can. I have been avoiding all triggers and reading positive books and it does help… but I am also learning that I can confront some triggers.

I told her, “This week has been easy. I slept well, and one day I  woke up without this terrible weight in my chest…  I blogged. I read. I plan to learn to knit. On easy days, I make plans for what I’d do and think when the pain is intense and everything seems hopelessbecause there is no way to know how difficult tomorrow might turn out to be...

Tomorrow!? …we can’t even tell how we’d feel in an hour.” Sangeeta understood. She knew.

The not knowing is frightening.

All these days I have been wishing I could see a sign, some indication that my daughter is still there somewhere. On the 24th morning I made a cup of tea and spilled some and I picked a duster, and was wiping it. It was a pleasant October morning, and pleasant mornings had been saddening, because everything good seemed to rub in how the world goes on… but this morning I noticed the lovely morning without pain.

And then I noticed, suddenly, that I was humming. I was humming the first song from sm’s video. And I wondered if a stronger sign was needed. I remembered a beautiful email from a mother who had lost her daughter, just after losing her husband to cancer. She had said, “One day you will hear yourself laugh, you will be startled. But know that even if this moment disappeared like it never happened, there will be many more of such moments. The pain will never go, but you will smile again.” And I am sure I will find myself humming on many more such mornings.

I will also smile and remember her like I did on Saturday evening, when I told a friend about how much Tejaswee could talk even as a baby.

Note: Cross Posted at TheLife and Times of an Indian Home maker

Three movies to watch…

Here are two movies my son thinks we should watch.

1. Welcome to the Rileys

James Gandolfini and Melissa Leo have spent years mourning the tragic loss of their 15-year old daughter. They cope in their own ways. He sleeps with a waitress, and she never leaves the house under any circumstance. But when Doug (Gandolfini) travels to New Orleans for a trade show and lands himself in the life of a very young, runaway girl named Mallory (Kristen Stewart) who spends time stripping and turning tricks to maintain her meager, dirty existence.

Doug takes Mallory under his wing. He helps her clean up her house, attempts to give her a direction in life, all while telling his wife that he just can’t come home. This prompts his wife to leave the house and come to New Orleans, where she and Doug spend time weaving themselves into Mallory’s life, finding only more trouble as they get more and more involved.” [Link]

2. Charlie St Cloud

‘Charlie St. Cloud (Zac Efron) is a young man overcome by grief at the death of his younger brother, who takes a job as caretaker of the cemetery in which his brother Sam is buried. Charlie has a special bond with Sam, he meets him every night to play catch and to talk. Then, a girl comes into Charlie’s life and he must choose between keeping a promise he made to Sam, or going after the girl he loves.’ [Link]


And Shy recommended this one.

3. Rabit Hole

“After the sudden death of their beloved child Becca (Nicole Kidman) and her husband Howie (Aaron Eckhart) are neither dead, as they might sometimes wish to be, nor alive, at least as they once were. Eight months after 4-year-old Danny ran into the street and was killed by a teenage driver, they dwell in a limbo… To move on is a betrayal of Danny’s memory; to remain paralyzed by sadness is to count not one but three fatal victims to the tragedy…  it is an evocation of coping that is deeply, complexly, heartbreakingly human. —M.C.[Link]

From: http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,2020173,00.html#ixzz12aswTDEs

Edited to add:

Thank You Chinkurli,

4. The Son’s Room


(This one recommended by Sangitha.)

5. The Ordinary People

Robert Redford made his Oscar-winning directorial debut (based on the novel by Judith Guest). Mary Tyler Moore and Donald Sutherland lose the older of their two sons to a boating accident; the surviving teenage son blames himself for his brother’s death and has attempted suicide to end his pain. They live in a meticulously kept home in an affluent Chicago suburb, never allowing themselves to speak openly of the grief that threatens to tear them apart. The movie examines the complexity of repressed emotions that have festered under the pretense of coping…–Jeff Shannon [Link]


Watching movies about child loss and how the families cope is helpful, not depressing. It’s the same as reading books like ‘The Knitting Circle’ and ‘The Year of Magical Thinking’.

Cross Posted at ‘The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker’

Books I found helpful.

Here are some books I found helpful.

1. The Year of Magical Thinking – Joan Didion ***

It’s about how life can change so suddenly. I could totally relate to the author feeling this was happening to someone else and she was just watching it happen. Also her unwillingness to change anything – because the finality takes a long time to sink in. Leaving our GK house troubled me, because I felt (knowing that was not true) that Tejaswee won’t be able to find us if we moved. Also a feeling that we could have saved her if  we had worn white T shirts while waiting outside the ICU, or put pictures in an empty frame or said ‘touchwood‘ whenever we said the same thing together. The book made me see I wasn’t the only one to feel this way.

2. Forever Ours – Dr. Janis Amatuzio *****

This book is about hope, and for me, also about some comforting ‘make believe’. It is very difficult to believe that someone who is such a part of your life (and will be forever) is now ‘not there’. The book seems to say, “We don’t know, we have reason to believe they are gone forever, but we also have reason to believe they are still there somewhere and they are happy.” The book is about what people see and feel when they have near death experiences.

3. The Knitting Circle – Ann Hood *****

The author lost her 5 year daughter to Meningitis and I could relate to what she felt and how she tried to cope. The book is about how she moved through her grief and how for a long, long time, nothing else mattered. I realise, I enjoyed being a part of what was happening in the world around me but have almost no interest in it now…On some days I cannot think, watch, read, talk about anything beyond my grief. Thankfully there is enough to read about what I can read.

But, this book is also about knitting. This book made me smile, hope and made me want to learn to knit. I think that is a miracle in itself… I have crocheted as a teenager, and gifted crocheted stuffed toys to friends. The last time I tried knitting was when Tejaswee was born, my mom finished it for me. Now I would like to try it again.

I can’t thank Sangeeta enough for recommending this book.

4. Five people you meet in heaven.***

This book is for fathers of sons. Mothers too. I strongly recommend anybody who has a son to read this book. It’s entertaining but I did not find it comforting for me in anyway. This book made me wonder who my daughter would have met if she was in this book. My dad. My husband’s parents. A dear friend I lost in 1994. But once you start reading you realise the author doesn’t think you meet only your family. Read to find out who he thinks one could meet.

5. Shantaram – I was reading it on my daughter’s recommendation (read insistence) but maybe I will have to try finishing it a little later.

Here are some other books I have ordered, will blog about them once I have read them.

The Memory Keeper ‘s Daughter – Kim Edwards

A Summer To Die – Lois Lowry, Jenni Oliver

Man’s Search For Meaning – Viktor E. Frankl

A Summer To Die – Lois Lowry, Jenni Oliver

Beyond Tears: Living After Losing A Child by Ellen Mitchell (and nine others)

The Road Less Traveled – M. Scott Peck

Note: Cross Posted at The Life and Times of an Indian Home Maker.

Remembering…

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

-David Harkins


7 Dec 2001